The Queer Bullying Epidemic
- Jon Imparato
- Feb 24, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 10, 2023
How I gave my bullies permission to keep hurting me. Are queer movies answering this question? The film Women Talking addresses it in a more profound manner than any other film I’ve ever seen.
When does forgiveness give permission? When I was a queer kid growing up in the late ‘sixties, I was bullied, pegged for being a fag, femboy, a girl, homo, a queer, and that list goes on and on. These boys would beat me up, shove me up against a locker, and degrade me with physical and emotional abuse. I wanted the abuse to stop, and I tried my best to win these schoolmates over. I was born with the gift of humor, so I tried my best to make them laugh and think I was funny. I succeeded a lot and thought my hardship was over. When I saw some of them alone, they would come up to me and put their arm around my shoulder, tousle my hair, and say, “Hey, buddy, you know we were just joking around, giving you a hard time, you’re a good guy” and act like we were friends. As soon as they were with their group of alpha males, they would begin their ceremony of shoving me against a wall, taking my books, punching me, and making fun of the way I dressed. I was so hungry for their approval and not being singled out as a fag that I acted like it was a joke. I had no idea that I was inviting the cycle of abuse. My forgiving them gave them permission to keep abusing me.
I recently watched the film Women Talking and then had to watch it again with a dear friend. For me, it is not only the best film of the year, but one of the most important films in decades. Spoiler Alert: In this film a group of twelve women are selected to decide if they should endure their abuse, forgive their abusers, or if all the women should leave their Mennonite community to try and start a new life. One woman raises the pivotal question of forgiveness becoming permission. I have no doubt this film will be taught in universities. This movie defines the #MeToo movement without those ever words being said. Women Talking shines a glaring spotlight on the human experience of women in this world. We see misogyny, male privilege, and masculine power in a way that is so honest and devastating, it would be hard for anyone to turn a blind eye to the plight of the women in this film. Then you find out it is based on real events that happened in Bolivia, and that reality is so harrowing it’s hard to process. Although this is a feminist film, I couldn’t help but see it through my queer lens. When one of the women asks the question, when is forgiveness permission?, it stopped me in my tracks, and I found myself shaking. I had to call several of my women friends, male friends, trans friends, and have an in-depth conversation about the issue. It provoked some of the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had.
At the age of fourteen I had no idea how to stop it, I had no idea how to stand up for myself. All I wanted was for the bullying and degradation to end. Here is the secret. I could take the physical and verbal abuse. What I couldn’t take was the words they hurled at me. Inside their painful remarks was my hidden truth that I was gay. Their words were far more painful than a blow to my chest, and they knew it. More than anything, I didn’t want anyone to hear those words or for them to know that.
Kids are being bullied today and killing themselves in horrific numbers. They need to be careful how they navigate their bullies, and trying their best to fight back can be tricky and dangerous. No one at my school knew this was happening. I told no one at home, no teachers, the principal, no one. Today, with social media, kids are being bullied and it’s captured on video and shared for amusement. These are different times, and we now know the harm of being bullied. There are more people and support organizations than you realize. If you don’t try to stop the bullies, you’re just giving them permission to continue the cycle of abuse. I wish I’d seen this movie or had a support system, and come to this realization in 1967.
Links to support if you or a loved one is being bullied:
Bullying Prevention Guide - nstlaw.com/child-safety/bullying-prevention/
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